Blue Diary-May, June, July 1989

Excerpts from the Blue Diary:

Tuesday May 9, 1989 10:30 pm

Hello!  Sorry I haven't written in a while but, as tired and 'Icky' as I've been feeling lately, I haven't had the gumption to do much of anything.

Last night was pretty exciting:  Aunt Tami and Uncle David got married.  It was kind of last minute, we all;

Me, your dad, Jay, Nana, Tami & David, went to the 'Outpost' Wedding chapel and Uncle Dallas & Aunt Lisa met us there.  It was really very sweet.  I just hope it lasts forever.

Tomorrow is our second doctor's appointment, I hope everything goes allright.  I'm just starting to believe you're really inside of me and I'm getting attached.  I would hate for something to go wrong!

I'll just pray nothing does!

Until later.....

Me

Thursday May 11, 1989 10:15pm

I went to the Doctor's yesterday, everything was fine.  Dr. Prakash felt my Uterus and said that you're the right size for a 2 1/2 month fetus.  Yes, you're a fetus now.  As of the 9th week, you are no longer an embryo, I'm so happy!  But, I'm still a little worried because the Dr. couldn't hear your heartbeat.  But, he didn't seem too concerned.  He said we should be able to hear it on my next  visit in 4 weeks, then you'll be 3 1/2 months gestation.

Unfortunately, your Dad will leave for summer camp with the Army Nat'l Guard the day before the next appointment on the 8th of June, but there will be plenty of time for him to hear you!

We went to Jason's open house at School today, he's doing pretty good!

Gotta go now, baby I'm getting pretty tired!

Me

Sunday May 21, 1989 10:30 a.m.

Hello! Nothing spectacular happening these days.  We went to McMahan's yesterday and bought a new dinette set, it's really nice w/6 camel-colored chairs and a wood formica finish. I'm sure you'll get to know this table for years to come.  (I don't remember whatever happened to that table lol)

My belly is getting bigger and bigger all the time.  It's starting twito make  my back hurt a lot, oh well! I'll live!

Today is the start of our 3rd month and so far, so good! I hope everything is o.k. with you, but I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Love,

Mom

Thursday June 8th, 1989

Today was a very special day for me.  It was the day I came to realize that "Pregnant" is more than just a word.  It's life! Your life!  Nana and my friend Marilyn came with me to the Doctor's.  As soon as he placed the fetalscope on my belly,  your heartbeat could be heard loud and clear.  That was the moment I really realized you exist!  I wish Dad could have been there!

After Marilyn and I walked around the Mall and I bought you a yellow & white giraffe rattle.

I Love You,  Baby!

Mommy

Saturday July 1, 1989  7:00 p.m.  4 1/2 months (18 weeks)

Hello Baby!  I'm starting to feel you move and kick now.  Today, I put my stethoscope on my belly to try and hear your heartbeat, but, I couldn't.  But, when I pressed it to a certain spot, you started kicking the can stethoscope!  Hard too! LOL!  Oh! I can hardly wait till you get here, I want to hold you, cuddle you and feed you so bad!  I had a dream that you were a pretty little girl with reddish hair and I was feeding you, it was so real that I woke up and started looking for you in the bassinet.  This Thursday is another Drs. appointment, I'm really hoping and praying that Daddy will be able to come this time.  If he doesn't, I will really be hurt!

Until next time....

Love,

Mommy

The Blue Diary- April 1989

I am going to enter the diaries I've been writing for my son word for word, from the beginning....

Saturday April 8, 1989:

Hello me!

It was just a week and 2 days ago that I took that home pregnancy test in the McDonalds bathroom and discovered I was pregnant.  I'm happy, but more than that, I'm scared!  I keep expecting to find out that this is all a mistake; the nausea, painful and swollen breasts and the lack of a period.  I have an appointment to go to the Doctor in less than 2 weeks and i am so afraid he is going to glare at me and say: 'I'm sorry but, you're not pregnant, go throw away the bassinett, changing table and clothes you've already bought,; Ha Ha'!

But, how could it be wrong?  What about this tiny little knot I feel at the base of my belly?  I've never really truly been pregnant to the point that I was going to have a baby!  A real, living, breathing, being!  Produced by mine and Mike's love.

I went to see Jill and Chris for the first time in 8 months.  They're living at his parents again.  It looks to me like they're doing drugs again, (or still) and I'm sorry for them, but hopefully they'll grow out of it!

I had to drop Chemistry.  Mostly because of the nausea and exhaustion but also because I was doing so badly that I would have had to repeat it anyways.

Well, not much else to say, I don't do much these days, I just can't seem to function normally, so I spend most of my time sitting or laying down.

Me

Sunday April 9, 1989

Good evening, I'm sitting here in my rocker watching T.V., which is all I seem able to do anymore, waiting for Mike to come home from the Army.  He's late, as usual, and he will more than likely be drunk, as usual! Oh well!

Tami and I went to Church with Mom today.  It was the Church of Religious Science, pretty different, but the people were all friendly.  Jason went to Church on the Bus with his friends..  But, I think from now on he should go to Church with me, kind of like a family thing, only without Mike, because he refuses to go to Church.  But, I really wish he would, it would be great for all of us to do something together once a week!

Especially praising God together!  Another: Oh Well! lol

I can't wait until I'm 4 months along and don't have to worry as much and hopefully wont be so sick anymore!

Til' next time.....

Me

Thursday April 13, 1989

I went to see Dr. Prakash today. It was pretty uneventful.  He did a exam and said my uterus was smaller than he would expect for 6 weeks pregnant, took some blood and said goodbye!  Now, I have to wait another day to get confirmation that I'm even pregnant.  Although, I have so many symptoms, I still wont be positive until I hear it from a Doctor.

Jay goofed again today and we just don't know what to do with him.  He put a lit candle underneath a friends' bed.  He is so lucky it didn't catch the place on fire!  I'm about to pull my hair out!

Til' later.....

Me

Friday April 14, 1989 9:30 pm

I called the Doctor's office for the results of the blood test; I am pregnant!!!! and it appears that everything is O.K.!

I'm happy, really I am, but afraid too.  What if I wont be a good mother to this baby?  I know I'm not good with Jay, I wish I were but, I have to face the facts!

Til' later....

Me

Wednesday April 19, 1989 8:45 a.m.

Hello! I'm sitting outside this gorgeous Arizona morning, at my Grandmothers'.  I've been here since monday.  I came by bus to spend the week with Grandma and then Mike and Jay will drive down friday, then we'll all leave on sunday.

It is so peaceful here. I feel so much better, already.  Of course I still have morning sickness.  But, it's nowhere near as severe as it was back home.

I'm thinking that maybe all of the added stress was making it that much worse.  I don't throw up, luckily, just feel incredibly nauseated!

Sometimes, I wish I could stay here for good.  I couldn't leave Mike if I had to!

Til' later....

Me

Saturday April 29, 1989 9:45 p.m.

Diary to my unborn child;

Dear Baby;

Daddy came home from the car wash this morning and told me he saw a yard sale with baby things that he wanted to take me to, so I got dressed, and we went.  We bought $23.00 worth of the cutest clothes for you!  Only if you're not a girl, most of them will have to go because the people who had the yard sale have a little girl, oh well!  There will always be other yard sales!

As of tomorrow, I'll be 9 weeks pregnant, which means I only have 3 more weeks of worrying before I'm sure that you're o.k.!  

Not much else new is going on, I spend all day sick and usually go to bed pretty early, so life is pretty boring.  I'll be so happy when you are here to change the monotony!

Til' next time....

Me

677bb23e-8134-4687-b5f9-a24c7eedd36b

1.03.01

Dear Vincent

To my dear son: Vincent

I am so frustrated with you! I just don't understand how you can be so cruel as to just forget about me now that you've left home!

Believe me, I understand that you don't miss me the same way I miss you and it's o.k. with me.  I believe God designed us that way, to make it easier for us to leave home and start our own lives.  If you were to feel the pain the way I do, you'd never leave home.  I am so proud of you, for what you're doing up there.  For how hard you're working!

I used to worry that you would turn out like your step-father: Lazy and without ambition.  But, it looks like all my worries were for naught.  You come from a long line of hard-working men:

Grandpa John, Grandpa Walt were both Geniuses in their own right.  Even your Uncle Scott has always worked very hard.  But, I do remember that at first he partied alot and didn't work, but once he got his first job, he worked very hard and would still be working if he hadn't been stricken with his disabilities.

Anyhow: what it all boils down to is that I understand you are busy, you're trying to get your life in order and that's O.K.!  What I don't understand is why you can't find a little niche of room for your Mother?

You rarely even answer my texts, let alone meet me online in; Facebook, Windows Live Messenger or even e-mail.  I'm not asking for you to drop everything and pay attention to me every day but jeez, once in a while would be nice!

No matter where you go or what you do in life, I'll always be your Mother, like it or not!  Don't forget me, honey, Please?

You're my life, my heart and my soul and no matter what, you'll always be a part of me!

I love you with every part of my being!

Mom

Empty Nest

Where do I go?

What do I do?

No matter what,

I'm away from you!

My arms ache, they long so...

for the feeling of your warmth,

for the glow of your soul.

For 20 years, I took for granted,

you would always be here,

Now, you're gone and I feel so frantic.

nothing could prepare me for this,for this 

life without you;

Nothing could have warned me

the pain, the longing, the loneliness

of this empty nest!

Do not spoil what you have, by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKAGED THE WAY YOU WANT IT,
IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKAGED THE WAY IT IS.
ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS; THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO BIGGER & BETTER THINGS.
 
''The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.''

 

Matt 7:11, 'And if you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father, who is in heaven, give what is good to those who ask Him?

Something to think about

"But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." Galatians 6:14

MY HERO

I wrote this to you on 7/11/09

 

MY HERO

,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR ME, WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU BE?
BECAUSE ALTHOUGH YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW, YOU'VE CHOSEN TO STAND BY ME,
WITH ME.
I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING, EVEN ABOUT YOUR INVALID MOTHER:
ME!
GOD HEARD ME BEGGING FOR A CHILD, A SPECIAL BUNDLE MADE OF ME,
FOR ME TO LOVE AND BE LOVED BY.

NOW, I THANK HIM DAILY FOR THE GIFT OF YOU, HE GAVE ME.
YOU ARE FAR MORE LOVING, SWEET AND KIND THAN I COULD HAVE EVER DREAMED POSSIBLE.

THANK YOU, MY BEAUTIFUL SON FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME.
ALL YOUR LOVING KINDNESS WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU, IN KIND.
FOR, WE REAP WHAT WE SOW, THIS I PROMISE;
I KNOW!
YOU'RE NOT THE AVERAGE SON; NOT BY ANY MEANS.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND, MY CAREGIVER, YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME!

TO SUM YOU UP IN JUST A WORD;
YOU'RE A HERO TO ME!!!

Relationships-Part Two

There are a lot of different type's of Relationships.  There's the relationship between you and your boss, your co-worker's, your lover, your friends, your extended family, ie: Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc.. and your immediate family; Mom, Dad, Siblings, Grandparents, Spouse, kids....

But, no matter the relationship, It needs to be cultivated with Tender Loving Care!  Taking relationships for granted is something we all do at times, but the ones that have the strongest bonds, are the ones that you spend time on, every day.  The ones you constantly think: 'how can I let this person know I appreciate them?'

Life is way too short for conflict within relationships.  Especially those of family & friends!  If there's a rift in a particular relationship, ie: Dad!  Be the one to fix it.  Pursue it diligently. As in the case of your Father, Vin: He never learned how to express his feelings.  That was the main reason we split up.  I couldn't get him to talk with me, just talk.  He would never spend the effort to make me feel special in his life, and he was closed off emotionally to me.

He hasn't changed his pattern of behavior with his kids.  He Loves you, of that I have no doubt, but he doesn't know how to show you, to include you in his life.  So, therefore, it's up to you.

You have exhibited some of the same behavior patterns, and that scares me.  But, you're young enough to do something about it.  Go after that relationship with your Father.  Don't just let it slide, it's too important!

Your Dad isn't perfect, but he's a good man in many ways and I think you would both prosper from a relationship with each other.  Write him, apologize for hurting him that summer, even though you were just 15, and it's not wholly your fault, be the bigger man.  If you don't make an effort now, you may never get that chance.  I would hate for you to regret that!

As far as the other relationships in your life...Try making an effort to open up, don't be afraid of letting your feelings out, it can only help.  Let the people you care about know you care, with words and without.  

For example:  A phone call to me a couple times a month or more would speak volume's to the way you feel about me.  I don't just need to be told you love me, I, like most people need to be shown.  Being remembered on Mother's Day(more than a "happy mother's day" text!) would have meant the world to me.  I was told that you bought me something for Mother's Day and I was so touched!  But, here it is almost a month later and I haven't received so much as a card, OUCH!  It's not the gift or card that make the difference and warms my heart, it's the effort you put out in sending it. 

Putting forth a little effort can go a long way in any relationship.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

These are definitely words to live by, I printed them up and look at them every day!  

 

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

1.BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD:
Speak with integrity.  Say what you mean.
Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

    2.DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wont be the victim of needless suffering.

3.DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4.ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you, are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Excerpt from the book: “The Four Agreements”
 by: Don Miguel Ruiz

FRIENDS

Think about this for a minute.... If I happened to show up on your door step crying, would you care? If I called you and asked  you to pick me up because something happened, would you come? If I had one day left to live my life, would you be part of that last day?  If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours? This is a test to see who your real friends are or if you are just someone to talk to you  when they are bored. Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes? They blink together,  they move together, they cry together,  they see things together,  and they sleep together,  but they never see each other; ....that's what friendship is..  Your aspiration is your motivation, your  motivation is your belief,  your belief is your peace,  your peace is your target,  your target is heaven,  and life is like hard core torture without it! It's 'World Best Friends Week' Who is your best friend? Send this to all your good friends, even me,  if I am one of them. See how many you get back. If you get more than 3  then you really are  a lovable person... Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!

EXCERPT'S FROM THE RED DIARY

Dated: January 18th 2009:

I'm at this place in life that is far darker than anywhere I've ever been before.  On the one hand; I feel this all encompassing, heavy blackness, of which I have no power over.  On the other hand; is an almost electric sense of fear coarsing throughout my body. 

The reason I added this last entry was to show the change in me over the past year +.

Monday March 1, 2010 10:00 a.m.

Hello Sweetheart!

Today makes the 8th day I've been living in this Foster Home in Junction City.  I haven't seen you since January 8th-2 whole months!  I miss you so much it hurts!

Especially, not hearing a word from you or about you.  You're never on the family site, which was set up for you by the way.  You don't call, ever!

Do you ever think of me?  Are you mad at me for giving up the apartment?

If you only knew how much less stress I feel away from there, you wouldn't be angry with me.  Even though Jake and Ashley helped me so very much, having them there pushed my stress & anxiety levels beyond my limits.

Rossi said a little hello to me on the site a week ago, but nothing about you!

This place is very nice and I already feel at home.  I'm surrounded by God's beauty and I love that!

Wednesday March 24, 2010

Hello Sweetheart!

You wouldn't believe the change in me!  Due to having to go outside and smoke, I'm actually tan for the first time in 9 years!  And I smoke much less.  I feel much better emotionally too.  Knowing that you're working hard to support yourself makes me feel so proud!  I still wish I could hear from you more, though.

Now that I sold the T.V. and know that you'll be able to get a phone on the 1st helps alot!  I just hope you save enough minutes to talk to me once a week!

All of your life I knew it was a possibility that you might move away when you grew up, but, honestly, I just didn't think you would!  I always saw our relationship as closer than most Mother's and Son's.  I realize your need for "Adventure" and finding your own way in life; I did it too!  I just hope and pray that when you're ready to settle down, you'll do it closer to home!

I Love You more than Anything and Everything!

Mom

Monday May 17th, 2010 1:30 p.m.

Hi Vin!

When I read back in this Diary, I feel ashamed.  I really put you through a lot in the past 8 years.  Between my physical ailments and my Bi-Polar Depression, you've really been through a lot of up's & down's with me!

I want to take this time to apologize:  I am Truly Sorry!!!

I pray you'll be able to forgive me and allow our relationship to move forward from this point on.....

I really wish all these positive changes that have taken place in me over the past few months, could have happened years ago!  But, I'm working on only looking forward now.  I have so much to live for and look forward to, that's my focus now!

I so look forward to your finding the perfect Woman for you and your Wedding, if you so chose to go that route.  I can't hardly wait to become a Grandmother!  I'm going to think positively and believe that someday you'll return home, to this area, so we can be close in a whole new and wonderful way!

I've recently taken up Photography, (purely amateur stuff,lol)  It gives me a Peace I've never had before!  I can't wait to take tons of pictures of you and your future family!

God Bless you, Son!

Please know that I'm always with you in spirit!

All my Love,

Always!!!

Mom

Relationships

Excerpt from the "Red Diary", dated: July 16, 2008 + additional observations dated: today!

RELATIONSHIPS:

It never ceases to amaze me how rarely people tell their loved ones; "I love you"! and hug each other!  Something has happened in families to pull them apart.  It's like a lot of strangers sharing the same home.
When Donovan and I were still together and we were still in California, about 10-12 years ago, I called a family meeting because, although we were all very good at hugging & professing our love, earlier that day you & your dad went to the store without saying 'goodbye'.
So, in this meeting, we all agreed that each and every time we left the house no matter for how long, we swore to always give a hug and say, "I love you"!
If anything were to happen while we're away from each other, at least we'd always know the last words spoken were: "I Love You"!
Donovan is long gone from our lives, but you and I had continued this promise to each other.  I think it's a very important tradition and pray you keep it always in your life!
I, personally, never get tired of saying or hearing it! BTW:
I LOVE YOU, BUBBA!!!

I found the following when searching for pix about relationships, they are most definetly words to live by!

 And another "Pic" I found:

 

DO'S AND DON'TS ON THE JOB

1st- Do Always work hard and do your best at everything. If you see someone working harder, work twice as hard as they  are! Without insulting them, of course, or trying to make a contest about it.
 
2nd-Do your absolute best at not burning bridges! If you work harder and better than even you thought you could do and always show respect to your boss, (like it or not) (like him or not). That way you can always count on getting a good reference, which is way more important than I ever thought. Try to leave a job in a good light, with plenty of notice so you can get a letter of recommendation before you leave. Even in your current situation, whether being paid under the table or not, that recommendation can really come in handy!!
 
3rd-DO Make work fun! Smile a lot! Hum while you work! This may sound silly and sometimes you have to force it, but it makes a huge difference not only in your day, but in that of the people around you, also!  The more you hate what you’re doing, the more you should hum, smile and only allow good thoughts into your head!  Don’t allow the negatives to enter your mind! Just try it, it really works!

4th- Don’t forget to thank your boss and co-workers whenever you can. MANNERS MATTER!!!!   For instance:  Show your boss how appreciative you are for the job. This is VERY IMPORTANT, Bubba!  If he doesn’t think you appreciate it, it wont be pleasant to work for him and it wont last!

5th- If you don’t know how to do something, never be afraid to ask.  I know you’ve never cared what people think of you, but sometimes it matters what they think. In this case, don’t worry about how you look by asking, what to you might seem like a dumb question, because you’ll really look dumb doing it wrong! 

 I think about you and what I can do to help you all the time, so I hope you don’t mind if I write you again and again with ideas as they come to me!
I love you more than anything on this earth, Vin’! You’re my light, my heart and soul!!!!!! Please, always take care of yourself and remember always, God and I have your back!!!

With Blessings and Love;
Mom

Desiderata

Rose shared this with me and I wanted to share it with you, it's very inspirational!

  

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --
Latin for: Things to be Desired

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The Confused History of "Desiderata"

In the Public Domain or Copyrighted?

Insights...
Grasping the inner nature of things intuitively.

Would you like to have this 9" x 12" wood plaque with the text of "Desiderata"
to hang on your wall or to give as a gift?

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